GAYLIAS

I wrote this like 8 years ago. It was an attempt to cheer up a friend of mine who was going through a tough time. He's Agent MG and I'm Agent Kid. I thought it would be funny to do a gay themed spy show. Funny now though, the banter is reminiscent of the more recent spy cartoon "Archer" on FX, which is a favorite show of mine.

GAYLIAS

Characters: Agent MG and Agent Kid

SCENE ONE

Agent MG and Agent Kid are ducked behind a bar. Bullets are flying above them hitting the mirror and the liquor bottles.

Agent MG:

(Yelling with his hands over his hears)

This is what I hate about this job. The whole “people shooting at us” thing.

Agent Kid:

(Yelling with a big grin on his face)

Really? I kinda like it.

Agent MG::

Ya, you’re sick like that.

Agent Kid:

You know, if you hadn’t opened your big mouth, maybe those freaks wouldn’t be shooting at us!

Agent MG:

ME? Are you serious? You don’t think it has anything to do with your wire falling out of your shirt and onto the table??

Agent Kid:

Ya whatever, I knew you’d do that. You can never just admit you were wrong.

Agent MG:

WHAT?? I was wrong yesterday when I told you looked good in that black t-shirt. I was wrong this morning at the office when I said the coffee you made was good. I was wrong at lunch when I said “good choice on the restaurant.” But this time I am NOT wrong. Man, you drive me insane. Ain’t this some shit. Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap. This is how I’m going to die. Crouched behind the bar, next to you, with a thousand bullet holes in my body. I hope they put a good picture of me on 60 Minutes.

Agent Kid:

Oh quit yer whinin’ MG and follow me.

Agent Kid crawls to one of the beer coolers and opens the door. He reaches inside and fidgets with the cooler controls and the keg mechanically slides back to reveal a passage way with a ladder going down. The men climb down the ladder, pull the cooler shut behind them. Once they are down, the keg slides back into place.

Agent Kid:

See that? Nothing to worry about. Once again I save the day.

Agent MG:

What the fuck? How in the hell did you know that was there?And what makes you think they won’t figure out which one of the kegs is a fake?

Agent Kid:

Because there isn’t a fake keg. That one is real and it’s full. And they’d have to know how to exactly adjust the cooler controls to get it to slide out and reveal the passage way.

Agent MG:

And how did you know that was there?

Agent Kid:

Well if you didn’t spend so much time cruisin’ for dudes online, maybe you’d have been with me when I reconned the place.

Agent MG:

You reconned this place? Ya right. That must have been right after you went to the gym, which was right after you actually got outta bed at 10am and I met you at 11. So I'm thinking you found out another way.

Agent Kid:

Alright already, Jake clued me in. This used to be a mob hangout back when there was still a mafia.

Agent MG:

Just like you, always tryin’ to take credit for someone else’s work. So where does this lead?

Agent Kid:

I have no idea, my cell phone died before Jake could tell me that part.

Agent MG:

Then why didn’t you go to a regular phone and call him back?

Agent Kid:

Because “Sex and the City” was on! Besides, I don’t know his number, I have it programmed in my phone – which was dead. Or did you miss that part?

Agent MG:

You didn’t call him back because “Sex and the City” was on?

Agent Kid:

Don’t even start with me. You’re worse than a six year old and “Bob the Builder” with your damn “Lord of the Rings” DVDs. All I have to do is pop one of those babies in and you’re occupied until all 3 are done.

Agent MG:

Wait a minute, there’s a BIG difference between “Sex and the City” and “Lord of the Rings.” “Sex and the City” is just another stupid tv show where women bitch about how much it sucks to be a woman and how are men are assholes. It's like the 30 something version of The Figgin Golden Girls. “Lord of the Rings” is an epic trilogy about the ultimate battle between good an evil. It was all shot at the same time over the course of a few years in New Zeland. Peter Jackson is nothing short of ...

Agent Kid:

(Interrupting Agent MG)

I rest my case. All I have to do is mention it and you’re off to Middle Earth. Now let’s go.

Agent MG:

Ya, whatever. Let’s just hope someone doesn’t stops us along the way to ask the name of track 4 on Madonna’s 3^rd LP.

The agents begin walking down the long dark tunnel. The camera follow behind.

Agent Kid:

Yo! Frodo! Can we stop this for a minute? We have to figure out where the hell we’re going.

PAUSE

Live to tell.

Agent MG:

Live to tell what?

Agent Kid:

Track four. The third Madonna LP? True Blue. It’s "Live to Tell". Which was considered by many her first foray into music as a real artist. She had stripped away the tacky tramp outfits and discovered the fashion...

The Agents continue walking away. Agent Kid is still rambling on about Madonna while Agent MG is shaking his head. Fade in the beginning of Sidewalk Talk by Madonna, skipping the intro and beginning with the first line “Watch where you walk cause the sidewalks talk...”

FADE TO BLACK

END OF SCENE ONE