So long 2010!

2010 was an interesting year for me. It wasn't particularly bad nor was it spectacular, but it definitely found me doing some soul searching. I live a good life and I don’t take that for granted. The two biggest questions I had to ask myself were, “Why, at 42 years old, am I still letting people take advantage of my good nature?” and “Why has love eluded me all these years?”

So I've written and deleted countless paragraphs trying to convey my thoughts for this end of year post. The problem is it’s tough to write since I was calling some people out and I don’t want to do that. When I made the decision not to confront them in person, it also meant I couldn't confront them in any other medium. That said – November 2010 found me finally fed up with people taking advantage of my good and generous nature. I was sick and tired of getting my feelings hurt. I've put an end to that. It’s as simple as this: friendships only work when both people involved actively participate in them.

Sadly, I had a few friendships where I seemed to be the only one participating. I stopped. I haven’t heard from them since. This is MUCH easier than confronting them as to why I’m not worth their effort. It doesn't matter because I don’t need an explanation, nor do I need empty promises about how they’ll change. Once I stopped participating and making all the effort, I never heard from them again.

I’m resigning my position as Julie McCoy in my group of friends as well. It gets exhausting planning a bunch of birthday parties every year for people who never think to plan one for me. It’s exhausting trying to round everyone up for a dinner party or BBQ when no one else ever thinks to do it. Seriously, even when someone else comes up with the idea or wants to have it at their place, they always seem to rope me into planning it. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends. I am lucky because my friends are amazing people. I just need to stop trying to take care of everyone and planning everything. It’s time for someone else in the group can take this on.

The people who will be most affected by me changing are the people I’m constantly emailing and calling in an effort to make plans with them. The people who always respond with how busy they are or how they have to get back to me. I hate when people won’t commit to plans on the spot. It’s like they’re waiting for something better to come along. Well, you are the people who won’t hear from me anymore. If you can’t allot even a small amount of time to spend with me, then I’m going to stop asking. I’m as busy as everyone else and I travel a lot for work, but I always make time for my friends. And in 2011, I demand the same in return. And all this will be done silently. I won’t email you and tell you that I’m disappointed that you never seem to have time for me; I’m just going to stop emailing altogether. My time is as valuable as yours.

My mantra for 2011 is “I am no longer going to be the person you expect me to be.” 2011 is the year I take my life back. I will start concentrating on making sure I’m happy and that I’m getting what I deserve instead of worrying so much about others. 2011 will find me taking better care of myself emotionally, spiritually and physically. This is not a lame New Year’s Resolution, this is changing the way I live and view my life and myself.

As to why I've never really had a boyfriend at 42 is a question I can’t answer. I can honestly admit that for awhile I wasn't open to it. I am now, but it may be too late. Portland is a small place when it comes to being gay. We all know each other and if I haven’t met a man here, then it’s not going to happen. I got close this past summer with a man I've known for years. It didn't pan out.

The good thing is that I have a great life. I live with my best friend in a big house with our two dogs. I have great friends and I don’t want for much. So if I don’t ever fall in love again, my life will still be complete. I can honestly say that this is the first time in my entire life that I have wanted to be in love. It gets lonely some times. Sleeping alone is what tends to get to me. Luckily, my new puppy Rocco has been a great addition to the house and a great distraction from my loneliness. Still, I crave the touch, kiss and affection of another man. It’s been years.

2011 I’m taking TWO vacations. One to Arizona in early June to see old friends, family and explore parts of the state I've never seen. The second vacation is to Los Angeles for my birthday and Halloween. My West Coast friends have promised me an amazing LA Birthday. I have no idea how I’ll be able to wait 10 months, but it will be worth the wait.

If you’re reading this felt like you were one of the people I was referring to then you probably are. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings; I’m just tired of people hurting mine. However, if you take the time to read my blog then you more than likely do participate in our friendship.

I expect 2011 to be a good year for me. I’m shooting for it being the best one yet.

Happy New Year to everyone. And as always, thank you for taking the time to read this.