Lonely, but Not Alone

In the 1994, while living in Chicago, a friend of mine moved to Los Angeles to pursue a career in dance. She was quite good and I thought she stood a good chance. This was back when dance was crossing over into the mainstream and every pop artist had dancers in their videos and took them on tour. I was very hopeful for her. Then one day I got a letter from her in the mail. Honestly, I could feel the sadness before I even opened the envelope. The letter started with the sentence, “Dear Wil; Greetings from LA where loneliness is a way of life.”

These were the days before the internet and cell phones. There was no way to give her an immediate response, as her letter struck a chord in me I never thought any one would. Though, I had not been to LA since I was a teenager, I too, knew what it meant for loneliness to be a way of life. Since my earliest memories, I always felt very alone in the world. This was only elevated by an emotionally unavailable father and a mother who had an innate inability to connect with her children. If you were to ask me to describe my childhood in one word, it would be “alone.”

You’ve read it here before, but my mother never liked me. My finally coming out as gay just gave her a name/label for her dislike and therefore justified it as well. I won’t beat a long since dead horse and go into detail about the things that she said and did to me over the years, but it definitely made me feel as though I was completely alone on the planet. Being a closeted gay man certainly didn’t help either. I grew up in a small town and then a big small town and in both cases, I felt as though I was the only person on the planet feeling the way I did.

I’m 42 years old and I’m single. The truth is, I’ve been single most of my adult life and have only ever been truly in love two times. I’m sure somewhere there is a fear of intimacy I had, but I think it’s since passed. As a matter of fact, I know it has because I crave the day when I can hold a man in my arms that loves me as much as I love him. I look forward to the day when I can wake up in the morning in the same bed as that same man. Every now and then, I sleep on my couch just to avoid waking up alone in my bed.

I am lonely. There I said it. I am a lonely man surrounded by love. However, no matter how great my friends are and no matter how much they treat me like family and no matter how much I love them, it will never replace the lack of love from my own family. Sometimes, it’s tough for me to be around friends of mine with their parents whom the genuinely get along with. Not once in my entire life did I ever have one genuine moment with my mother where we just got along because we liked each other. It’s probably why I gravitate towards people with awesome relationships with their parents. It’s what I didn’t have and it’s what I will crave until the day I die. It’s too late for me though. My mother passed two years ago and we never found our common ground. My father is getting on in age and is non-communicative at best. My chance at ever becoming friends with my parents has long since passed. It doesn’t change the fact that I still long for it. I’m not particularly close to my brother or sister. We love each other, but we don’t talk often and we live many miles apart. I feel like a man without a family.

My chances of meeting a man I’d like to have a relationship aren’t very good. I love living in Portland Maine, but it’s a small city. I feel like in the gay community we are separated by .6 degrees of separation. I’ve lived here for 14 years and I only know of one man here I’d consider dating on a serious basis. So it would either take him to feel the same way for me or some amazing new man to move here and hone in on me before every other guy in this town lunges for him. It’s not looking like either is going to happen. So you may ask why don’t I move to a different city with better prospects. If only life were that easy. There are many reasons not to move. One reason I won’t move is because my life is here. I have a great life here. I live in a big house with my best friend, our dog, and our new puppy. We are 5 minutes from the beach and are quite happy. I’ve never had friends like the ones I do here in Portland. The kind of friends I longed for my entire life. Also, my career is here. I love my job and the company I work for. How many people have all that in one place? Have I mentioned how much I absolutely love Maine? It’s like heaven on earth to me. Despite our newly elected republican governor and some back woods views on gay rights in some parts of the state, this place is where I want to be. And believe me, these are reasons and not excuses. I stopped making those a long time ago. I’m lucky to have as much as I do here in Maine.

I have a lot of friends in long term, serious and happy relationships. I end up spending most of my time around them, as they are family to me. Sometimes it’s tough, as I wish I had that. I do believe it’s my own fault though as about 10 years ago I gave up on love. And I was pretty grandiose about it as well. I put it out to the universe that I didn’t believe it would happen for me. I had seen too many relationships and marriages crumble in my life time. I had watched too many of my family and friends stay in bad relationships “for the sake of the kids.” I didn’t want that….ever. It was like the final death of the true romantic in me. I had always wanted that all encompassing, mind blowing, butterflies raging in your stomach, dreamy love; but I had come to believe that it wasn’t possible. In the time since then, I had a few short dating relationships. They were disastrous at best. They only enhanced my belief that true love wasn’t going to happen to me. So I settled into the fact that I am a complete person who doesn’t need a “better half” or any other person to complete me. No one would ever have me at “hello.”

There is a man that I think is a good match for me. He doesn’t disagree, but he also is not at a place in his life where he wants to or could even really manage to be in a relationship with someone. We've known each other for 10 years and we've always had a cool chemistry between us, we've just never both been on the same page at the same time. And this time he’s not made any excuses to me whatsoever; he just isn’t on the same sheet of paper as me. I can do nothing but respect that. I can’t wait for him, as that would be a huge disservice to me, but I can’t NOT wait for him. It’s not like there’s anyone else to even consider. So I’m just trying to live my life and put it out to the universe that he’s the man for me. If he disagrees though, then it’s not going to happen.

My friend Michele told me to start saying daily affirmations. One of them being, “I am open to the love from the man that is perfect for me.” I believe that I am, but too much of me wants it to be the aforementioned man. So it’s a conundrum of sorts. Do I wish for the love of the perfect man for me or wish that the man that I want, who is already present, be the one for me? I just know this: I love him. I love him very much. We have a lot in common and enough not in common to make it interesting. The chemistry between us is amazing and undeniable. He just has to want it, too. It’s all about timing. I am so ready to be done with gay chat sites and hook up sites. I would be more than happy to give it all to one man.

I understand that only I can end my loneliness. No other person can do that. No one will ever replace the lack of love and affection from my mother and father. However, one man loving me as much as I love him could really help me to heal as my friends have helped me heal over the years. I am a good person and I do my best to treat others well and to live a good life. I believe in the power of positive thinking and believing that the universe can be swayed to act on your behalf. However it’s not witchcraft and I can’t force someone to have feelings for me they don’t have. Love has to be organic.

I see men on chat/dating/hook up sites say, “Looking for a relationship.” I do not understand this concept. That tells me that those men are more interested in the relationship than the person they’re in it with. That’s not me. I want true love or nothing at all. I’ve waited longer enough, I can hold out for the real thing. I also don’t understand the “honeymooners.” The men who get into serious relationships with men they barely know because they are caught up in the romance of it all. So they move in together, change their lives, and then the honeymoon ends. Then what do they do? Well from what I’ve seen, one of them usually starts cheating with someone else so they can get back to the honeymoon they so crave. You see, real life never compares with the honeymoon and they can’t take it when the love of their life has to become a real live breathing flawed human. It’s the same with the serial daters. They go from one short relationship to another. They never take a break in between and like the honeymooners; they usually start the next relationship before the current one has ended. I don’t want to be like those men. I want real and true love to come into my life. I don’t want a string of honeymoons, nor do I want a string of dinner dates with various men as though I’m trying on suits. I’m too old for the games and the bullshit. However, I also still want love to come into my life while I’m still young enough to enjoy the sex. (As an FYI, I don't have any close friends who are honeymooners or serial daters. I try not to have people like that too close to me as I think they have bad energy when it comes to love and I don't need that).

42 is not old. Not by any means. However, I’m not getting any younger and I accept that. I don’t want to go back. I’m happy to be 42. I feel like my entire life I’ve always fallen for the guy I can’t have. The first true love was a man I couldn’t have and the current love is a man I can’t have. Friends keep telling me that it will come in time. Just be patient, they say. (Note to friends: That provides me with no comfort whatsoever. As a matter of fact it just pisses me off even more as most people who give me this advice are with the one they love and are also much younger than me. I vent to you because you’re my friends, but please refrain from giving me bumper sticker/Hallmark advice. The fact is, you don’t really know if I’ll ever meet anyone. I could very well not ever find another true love in my life time. So when I vent to you during those times when the bouts of loneliness hit, how about just comfort me with your friendship and love. Don’t try to predict my future or tell my fortune. It’s easier to say, “I wish I could promise you love would find you, but I can’t. Just know that I love you and I hope that true love will find you soon.” That would go so much further than the stock “Be patient. It will happen”.) (Second note to friends, I'm sorry that sounded harsh. It was really written more tongue in cheek then it sounds. God knows, I've probably said the same thing to someone else in my time and know I appreciate that you're there for me PERIOD.)

The truth is: I’ll be fine if it doesn’t happen to me in this life time. I will quite happily grow old with my best friend and our dogs. It’s only human to want a different kind of love in my life, but it’s not a quest or anything that defines me. The only thing I can do is keep myself open to it and know that I’m a complete person with or without it. And also know that it’s not a bad thing to crave it. I am a grateful man. The Powers That Be have been very generous to me and I never take that for granted.

Universe, if you’re listening….If you have true love planned in my future, can you send it sooner than later. However, if you’re not going to send that true love my way, could at least take away my longing for it? One or the other would be nice. By the way, thank you for your generosity in every other area of my life. I truly have nothing to complain about.

I told you back in June that I was going to start being more honest on this blog. And honesty is what you get. No holding back and no apologies. Yes, the fun, outgoing guy who always has a smile on his face and a song in his heart harbors a loneliness that often consumes him. He’s just as flawed as everyone else. Just love him as your friend. It’s the least and the most you can do.

Here's the song that has become my mantra: