It was a night like any other night in Transexville. The line outside the movie theater was a mile long. Which is run of the mill for The Transexville Transsexual Theatre. No one ever misses the Friday night showing of "Rocky Horror Picture Show." Tonight was a special night for Alexander-Alexandra, for his/her two favorite heroes of all time were hosting tonight's event: BUZZED LIGHTFOOT: Gay Superhero & DYKSTRA: Hero to Lesbians Everywhere. He/She was so excited that he/she planned to leave just before the end credits rolled and rush over to the Transsexville Bookstore where BUZZED & DYKSTRA would be signing copies of their book, "To Infinity and The Galleria: The Coming Out Story of Super Heroes Buzzed Lightfoot & Dykstra and their aliases Adamboy and Ms. Ellen." Alexander-Alexandra had read the book 23 times since it was released last Tuesday. It had become his/her new bible. He/She just knew that if Homoville & Dykestown could have super heroes, then why not Transexville? Only question was, if there was a Superhero here, no one knew who it was. But why would they? There's never been any chaos here. Trust me, there's so much drama in Transexville, they have to have a pageant to crown the "Drama Queens", but there's never been a need for a Superhero. Still.....Alexander-Alexandra just knew that if there was one here, he/she wanted to be that hero. And he/she knew that it was possible. He/She had felt it inside for as long as he/she could remember. And he/she knew that once he/she met BUZZED LIGHTFOOT and DYKSTRA, they would recognize him/her as one of their own and school him/her in their superhero way.
Just as the movie ended, Alexander-Alexandra rushed out of the theatre and over to the bookstore. He/she wanted to make sure he/she was first in line. When he/she arrived, he/she was the only person to show. He/she knew this was due to the fact that the crowd always watched the credits at the movie because the town Mayor always announces the next showing of "Rocky Horror Picture Show"..... and it's always next Friday. He/She couldn't believe her eyes, there, in the store sat BUZZED LIGHT FOOT: Gay Superhero and DYKSTRA: Heroine to Lesbians Everywhere. They were totally decked out in their superhero uniforms and there were stacks and stacks of their books just waiting to be signed.
Alexander-Alexandra, dressed in her frilliest top and manliest pants, walked right up to the heroes and said, "Hi. My name is Alexander-Alexandra and I have lived in Transsexville for 5 year. The two of you are my ultimate, favorite and fabulous super-hereos and I have read your book 23 times since it's release last Tuesday. I can honestly tell you that no book has affected me more than yours. Chapter 14, the one titled Finding Your Inner Hero & Other Great Recipes for Pumpkin Pie was especially compelling. You see, I know I'm supposed to be Transsexville's superhero and I also bake a mean pumpkin pie."
BUZZED & DYKSTRA were a bit overwhelmed and almost speechless. DYKSTRA broke the silence.
"It's very nice to meet you....uh....Alexander...." she trailed off. "I have to ask, why the dual name?"
"Well, I just can't seem to decide which fits me best. I mean, really, like yesterday, I finished building my tool shed and was really feeling VERY Alexander and then the timer went off on my cinnamon cookies in the oven and I felt very Alexandra. So I go with both."
"You can be both, you know," said BUZZED. "But why not just go by "Alex"? It's the nickname for both names."
"Oh wow!" Alex exclaimed. "What a great idea! Alex.... Alex....Alex. How 'That's Pat' of me!"
"Forget 'That's Pat'" DYKSTRA said, "How very kd lang of you!"
"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you." Alex exclaimed. "I can't believe I never thought of that. You two are wonderful. See? That's why you're my hereos!"
"Well," began DYKSTRA, "Though its fine to admire people, you should not look to others to be your heroes. By suggesting you switch to 'Alex' we didnt tell you anything you didn't already know. It was inside you, and you would have eventually found it. And as for finding your inner hero...."
"Do like Mariah says, girl." BUZZED chimed in with three snaps up. "Look inside yourself and you will see the truth that the hero lies in you."
"We already know that you're the Trannsexville superhero." Said DYKSTRA. "But we can't tell you how to become that hero or what to wear or anything. You'll know what to do when the time is right."
The three continued to talk for a few more moments. Alex overflowing with gratitude and BUZZED & DYKSTRA being humble as can be, while secretly eating up the praise. Then Alex took his/her signed copy of the book and headed out into the night, pondering what the Heroes had just told him/her.
"Hmmm" Alex thought, "how do I find my inner-hero? When will I know the time is right?"
Alex continued to walk away until he reached his/her neighborhood. Then Alex heard a loud sound that could have been an explosion. Without even turning around Alex said out loud, "Jesus, Josephine-DragQueen. How many times do we have to tell you, NO SMOKING while using Aquanet."
Alex reached his/her apartment when he/she noticed a few people running very quickly towards her. She recognized her neighbors. When they reached Alex, they began exclaiming "They got BUZZED & DYKSTRA, oh my god, what will we do now?"
Alex managed to calm one of his/her neighbors and then got her to explain what had happened. BUZZED and DYKSTRA had been kidnapped from the book signing by Captain Catholic and Jew Wonder (obvious nod to my friend Rick). Now Homoville, Dykestown and Trannsexville are totally unguarded.
Just then, something inside Alex changed. He/she felt a strength grow from deep inside him/her. Then without warning, Alex flew up into the air and began an incredible transformation. HER hair grew by leaps and bounds into beautiful, blond feathered hair, HER breasts grew three sizes and were held secure inside a sequined tube top. HIS pants became the manliest pair of Carhardt's you'd ever seen with some perfectly shined steel-toed reinforced work boots. And last but not least, the most perfectly soft feather boa dropped from the sky and landed softly on his/her shoulders.
A loud voice from above exclaimed, "Alex. You are TRANSGENDROID--Superhero of Transexville! Know that you now have great power which you must use wisely. Now, we need you to go fight Captain Catholic and Jew Wonder and free BUZZED & DYKSTRA! The fate of the gay/lesbian/transgendered community lies solely in your hands. Do us proud, girl."
TRANSGENDROID flew high into the sky. The removed her compact from her magic "Hello Kitty" backpack. She opened the compact, checked her hair and make-up and then said, "Mirror, mirror, that I have in my left hand, show me the location of the hero's of The Gay land." Then the mirror flew out of his/her hand and shined a beacon of light onto an abandoned warehouse just outside of Transexville. TRANSGENDROID flew down and kicked open the large bay doors. Captain Catholic and Jew Wonder were hovering over BUZZED & DYKSTRA ready to pounce.
"Oh no you don't!" Exclaimed TRANSGENROID. Then he/she began throwing magic lipsticks, which assaulted the villians like silver bullets. He/She then clapped her hands above HER fabulous feathered hair and HER french manicured nails grew into razor sharp claws. She did three cartwheels, a back flip and a round off with a dismount of 9.9 diffculty and scratched out Captain Catholic and Jew Wonder's eye balls. Then she used her claws to cut the ropes that held our heroes captive.
Once freed, the three walked outside of the warehouse.
"Why did you do that for me?" TRANSGENDROID asked.
"Do what, TRANSGENDROID?" BUZZED said sounding suspicious.
"Ya, what'd we do?" DKYSTRA added. "You rescued us!"
"Don't think I'm that naive." TRANSGENDROID said smiling. "I know that the two of you could have handled Captain Catholic and Jew Wonder, you deal with them every day. So why would you suddenly be vulnerable? Especailly since you, DYKSTRA, have your magic tool belt on and you, BUZZED, your magic snapping fingers are fully useable...?"
"Well, we knew they were going to show up tonight. It was a chance they couldn't pass up." DYKSTRA said.
"We also knew all along that you were TRANSGENDROID: Superhero of Transexville." BUZZED said. "And we both needed a little kick in the Carhardts our first time out of the Superhero gate. So, we set up the event hoping that you'd pull through."
"And after we met you and you had read the book 27 times," DYKSTRA said, "Well, we knew that you were ready."
"And thank God Captain Catholic and Jew Wonder showed up like we thought," said BUZZED. "They're punctual if they're nothing else."
"I'm going to run right home and put on my Mariah Carey CD." TRANSGENDROID said. "It's my new theme song."
"It's always been your theme song, TRANSGENDROID." DYKSTRA said with a wink.
"You mean, Mariah wrote that for me?" TRANSGENDROID asked.
"She didn't just write it for you," BUZZED said, "She's a transexual,too."
"I thought so!" said Transgendroid. "I mean, that girl has drag queen written all over her. From that nappy hair and fake boobs to those hooker shorts and F-Me Pumps. Only girl who can ever get away with a get up like that is a man.....in drag!"
The three bid their farewells and BUZZED and DYKSTRA flew off into the night. TRANSGENDROID flew home, right through his/her bedroom window and sang along....."And then a hero comes along with the strength to carry on and you cast your fears aside and you know you can survive so when you feel like hope is gone look inside you and be strong and you'll finally see the truth.
That hero is TRANSGENDROID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The End
