So Now What?

I wrote this blog last night when I got home from work. Today, I've found that writing this blog turned out to be an amazing release for me. I took the anger and I expressed it and I put it out there into the Universe and I feel so much better. Thanks to the great words of comfort and support from my amazing friends and those kick ass cousins I mentioned. You could never imagine that the power of goodbye could be so liberating.

I took this photo in May 2005. The Nor'easter was a big one. This photo represents how I'm feeling right now.

So, now what? The email from my sister still has me in a tailspin. It occupies my mind to the point that I’m losing sleep and getting distracted by it at work. Today, it was weighing so heavy on my mind that I missed my turn on my way home from work. What am I supposed to do with this? I never asked for all this anger and frankly I don’t want it, but I don’t know how to let it go. I feel cheated. All I ever wanted was to be close to my family. I used to build them up when I talked about them to people just to make them appear to be better people than they are. Now it’s been confirmed to me that one of my only dreams in life will never come true. I’ve been orphaned at 38 years old. I have some amazing friends who are family to me here in Maine, but unfortunately, it will never be enough. It’s tough for me sometimes to be around my friends and their families. I watch them interact with one another with the familiarity and comfort that I’ve never known. I watch their eye contact, physical affection and genuine love for each other that was never mine. These same people embrace me as one of their own, but right now it’s not enough. I was trying to figure out why this email from my sister made me so much angrier than when I estranged myself from them a few years ago. The reason is a few years ago, my sister in law sent out a mass email telling people to contact their state representatives to urge them to take shows like “Will & Grace” and “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” off the air because it’s teaching our children that it’s okay to be gay when Christians know for a fact that it’s a sin. She included me on this email list. When I confronted her as to why she sent it to me her answer was “I forgot that you were gay.” Which made me want to forget she was my sister-in-law. Truth be told, I’ve never liked her and for me, that email showed her true colors. In all the time I knew her, I never once heard her talk about God or Jesus and now all of a sudden I was getting prayer emails from her. I call people like that Email Christians. People who don’t really have a sense of faith, but think they should, so they forward prayer emails out hoping that people will think they’re good Christians. What kind of a good Christian sends out a prayer email that promises a miracle if you forward it on to 10 of your friends? That’s blasphemous if you ask me. Promising miracles on God’s behalf. That’s arrogance of monumental proportions. I forwarded the email to my brothers and my sister thinking that one of them would stand up for me. One of them would tell her that even if those are her beliefs, she should have been more careful and not sent it to me. One of them would have even responded to my email to tell me they love me. Not one of them responded to me. That was when I knew it was time to walk away. The reason this is more painful is that I didn't hear from my sister. She didn't weigh in with her beliefs, but I knew that her beliefs alienated me. It was so much more painful this time because she spelled them out for me. My friend Betsy told me the pain I was feeling was mourning. Because something had technically died and now I had to mourn. A few years passed and I wrote my sister a letter telling her that I was no longer angry with any one, I just had to be true to myself and only participate in relationships that were based on absolute honesty. Which meant I could not spend time with her knowing that in her heart she believed me to be bound for hell and an abomination of God’s creation. It was this letter that prompted her to email me. And things were going good. She even called my letter heartfelt and touching. And then a few weeks later, the dreaded email arrived. Now I’m the one left with a hole in my heart, sleepless nights and anger I just can’t let go. Is this what I get for being a good person? I try every day to make a positive difference in the world. People who know me will tell you that I’m a very giving person and I never expect anything in return. I treat people well and I do my best to make a positive contribution to this world. How can I not question what I’ve done to deserve this? Don’t get me wrong, I’m certainly not sitting around feeling sorry for myself. Quite the contrary, I’m spending all this time in my head trying to figure a way out of this. I don't like being unhappy and I don't like this pain. I feel like I’ve been buried and it’s up to me to dig my way out. The trouble is, I honestly don’t know where to begin. I have great friends, some amazing cousins and a wonderful boyfriend, but the estrangement from my family has left me feeling more alone than I can ever remember. Don’t confuse feeling alone with feeling lonely, because I’m not lonely. I’ve considered therapy, but I can’t imagine how a stranger could help me sort through all of this. I don’t doubt the validity of therapy, I just fear that I could end up with someone who’s opinions and agenda differ from mine and they could cause more harm than good. I’d turn to God, but as I’ve told Brother Warren and my friend Lia, I don’t exactly know who God is right now. I don’t doubt God’s existence. I didn’t lose him over the email from my sister, nor did I lose him because I’m gay, I lost him because I hit a point in my life where what I’d been taught about him no longer made sense, nor was it enough to provide me with some comfort. I do know that whoever he or she is, God is a wonderful and loving being or energy that knows nothing but love. It was human beings who placed all the conditions on love. Today, I was sitting at McDonald’s mindlessly eating my food. I couldn’t stop thinking about my sister, the anger inside me and the first insight of the Celestine Prophecies (the one that says that all the coincidences in life are signs that we’re connected to a higher energy). Then I felt all three thoughts collide in my head and at that very moment, I kid you not, the song “The Power of Goodbye” by Madonna came on the radio. Any Madonna fan can tell you that this song from the 90’s was not a huge hit for her and I honestly don’t think it got any radio play in the states, but there it was. The lyrics really spoke to me about what I was going through. I really felt at that moment that it was some sort of sign, maybe a beacon of hope. Maybe God tapping me on the shoulder to tell me I'm getting close. I know I’m rambling, but I’m really trying to find some comfort, some peace and some sort of stillness in my heart. Thank you for reading. Again, I will not publish nor read any comments from Christians who want to add fuel to this fire. Take your hatred elsewhere. There is nothing Christ like about spreading hatred and condemning people in the name of God. Remember what Matthew said, “Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers and sisters, you do to me.” I try to remember that as I go through life.

Peace and again, thanks for reading.

William B.

I took this photo in Rangeley a few years ago. This is the feeling I long for again. Scroll down for some song lyrics after the picture.

The Power of Goodbye

Your heart is not open so I must go

The spell has been broken, I loved you so

Freedom comes when you learn to let go

Creation comes when you learn to say no

You were my lesson I had to learn

I was your fortress you had to burn

Pain is a warning that something's wrong

I pray to God that it won't be long

There's nothing left to try

There's no place left to hide

There's no greater power

Than the power of good-bye

Your heart is not open so I must go

The spell has been broken, I loved you so

You were my lesson I had to learn

I was your fortress

There's nothing left to lose

There's no more heart to bruise

There's no greater power

Than the power of good-bye

Learn to say good-bye

I yearn to say good-bye